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I just feel like I finally need to share my story (only person who knows so far is my sister, I absolutely needed to tell someone). submitted by
So I've never understood the appeal of gambling. I never played slots, never ran poker for money or anything. My first sports bet was a Floyd Mayweather fight. Knowing what I know about boxing, getting a 20% return on my investment for May fighting McGregor was an absolute no-brainer. What I didn't know, though, is that I signed up for an extra promo and the cash out would not work. So this quickly spiraled into parlays and obscure tennis and football matches all over the world to be able to cash out what I put in. I lost 200 bucks, but the insight into people analyzing these things all day was somewhat fun. Shit result, but nothing that really hurt retrospectively. Wrote that off and never ever looked back at sports betting.
Enter summer 2019. I get interested in the stock market. I read a lot, I actually do research on financial statements and decide to invest in actual stocks. It works. Commissions take the fun out, make gains miniscule, but it works. Enter finding out about Forex and CFDs. Leveraged. Again I start slowly, news tickers, books, lots of observation. Technical analysis is like old people horoscopes, but if I see movements that overshoot, I find out what causes them and decide if reversing them might make sense. I start with 200€ again. And it works. Beginners luck and the fact the stakes weren't high, but after a couple of weeks im up by 500€. 150% gain, Over 50 positive trades in succession. Not a single loss. The perfectionism will become my downfall as you might imagine.
October '19. The FED is injecting repos into a market that keeps having these mini-recessions. The liquidity brings the spikes they hoped for, but the underlying problems won't just dissapear. So slowly, I am shorting the market. It keeps running up - I become aware that these trades will be longer term. I can hold the positions for a year. I know it will blow, I just wasn't sure when. On the ride up, I keep shorting. I'm slow to realize how the margin shrinks. I need to deposit more money. I can spare another 500. And another 250. And another 500. They say the market can be irrational longer than you can be solvent. November I lose my job.
By January the P/L hits -4500€. I'm confident that this can't hold but I am running out of money. I'm ashamed to ask for financial help and I would never risk losing anyone else's money. So the credit card has to to. My card, my debt.
WWIII almost kicks off the year and it finally dips. A single night later I witness the strength of the irrationality. My mental time frame is now to hold until middle of march.
But the margin kills me, I am running out of money. I can't hold my positions. So one after another I start closing, panicking, how will I make this back?? This is it: I'll raise the stakes and just make this back. After all, these were my very first losing trades, even though they were huge. This is where I start to realize I am now gambling. I'm blindly taking positions to make money as fast as possible.
Instead of making it back, I keep losing more.
1500 in a day.
Today I'm down 8000€. On a historic day. The one I was actually anticipating since October. The "coulda woulda shouldas" are incredible in this one. Not only would I still have 8000€, but I would've raked some extreme profits if I was able to hold.
Instead, being unemployed gave me all the time in the world to watch charts and treat this liek a game I could gamble on. Unneccessary trade over unnecessary trade, ever shorter time frames, chasing every loss. The chasing and the frequency made me realize I have an addiction. The fact I deleted the app and still kept checking charts, just to hop back in and lose again.
I started listening to the after gambling podcast and all the themes were so familiar, even when I wasn't betting, playing slots or cards or roulette. The mechanisms that ruined me were exactly the same. I just sold myself this dream instead of having someone else advertise it to me.
This is by far the lowest point of my life so far and I can't tell wether that's a good or a bad thing.
Debt is now about 1.5k + 6k student loans. Just the thought that I could be debt free today kills me. The thoughts of the vacations, the furniture and all the little gifts and trinkets the money could've been for me and the most loving girlfriend I have. It's gut wrenching. But more than anything else: The sleep, the health, the peace of mind that I have lost - the time - all the things I could have spent my time on. Educating myself, sports. Life was fuckin great until October, I ran my first half marathon; today I feel like a shell of my actual self.
I am sorry for this massive wall of text, but I really needed to let go of this. Today is day 1 and we will count to infinity. Have a great day and keep those spirits high. <3
-Pakistan to be out of FATF's grey list by September, promises Central Bank
Islamabad will strictly implement the requirements of the Financial Action Task Force (FATF) in order to get out of the money laundering grey list released by the Paris-based body, a senior official of Pakistan's Central Bank said on Wednesday. FATF had previously placed Pakistan on its watch list of countries that need to do more in relation to anti-money laundering and combating the financing of terrorism.
"The FATF challenge has be to be addressed. Pakistan has mandated upon itself to enforce the FATF plan in letter and spirit. Whatever the requirements about the FATF plan are, they will be imposed and Pakistan will be out of grey list by September 2019. FATF is a risk but we are addressing it in the right letter and spirt," said Syed Irfan Ali, executive director for Banking Policy and Regulation Group at the State Bank of Pakistan.
-NAB finds 'proof of massive money laundering' against Sharif family
The Sharif family’s troubles seem set to worsen as reports suggest the National Accountability Bureau (NAB) has found evidence of massive money laundering through which Shehbaz Sharif and his family members accumulated assets in the United Kingdom.
According to sources privy to NAB’s investigation, the illegally accumulated assets are worth Rs85 billion to Rs100 billion and were bought during Shehbaz’s tenure as Punjab chief minister.
They said the evidence found was irrefutable and showed striking similarities with the money laundering and fake accounts case against former president Asif Ali Zardari and other Pakistan Peoples Party leaders.
-US debunks Indian claims of shooting down PAF F-16
Indian claims of shooting down a Pakistan Air Force (PAF) F-16 on February 27 were debunked by US officials as all aircraft are accounted for. Pakistan invited US officials to physically count the F-16 planes after the incident. Some of the aircraft were not immediately available for inspection due to the conflict, so it took US personnel several weeks to account for all of the jets, one of the officials said.
The report stated that two US defence officials with direct knowledge of the matter said US personnel had done a count of Pakistan’s F-16s and found none missing.
-Finance minister rules out further rupee devaluation
Finance Minister Asad Umar on Friday ruled out the need for further devaluation of the Pakistani rupee as the currency stands at equilibrium. “The International Monetary Fund (IMF) has made no demand for rupee devaluation,” Umar clarified categorically while addressing at Pakistan Stock Exchange (PSX) through online video conference. “Today, the State Bank of Pakistan (SBP) has clarified the rupee is standing at equilibrium,” he said. Dismissing reports of further devaluation, he added: “Stop circulating rumors that Asam Umar has said rupee would depreciate to 160 or 180.”
For the Centre for Social Justice (CSJ) in Lahore, Christian children have the right to study the Bible, Hindu children have the right to study the Bhagavat Gita and Buddhist children have the right to study the Vedas. Together with the People’s Commission for Minorities Rights (PCMR), the CSJ held a conference on 29 March in which they adopted a resolution entitled ‘Right to education without discrimination’ demanding the right of minorities to teach their own religion in schools, as guaranteed by Article 22 of the Pakistani Constitution. Currently, only Islam is taught in schools.
-China’s BeiDou Navigation System Will be Able to Replace GPS in Pakistan Soon
Pakistani military reliance on the US-owned Global Positioning System (GPS) will be reduced after the use of China’s Beidou satellite navigation system which is projected to achieve global coverage by 2020. This was the crux of background discussions between former military officials and telecom experts.
Beidou is the world’s fourth space-based navigation system, following GPS by the United States, GLONASS by Russia and Galileo by the European Union. According to experts, the satellite-based system plays a vital role in the modern world, especially during wartime.
-PM Imran Khan announces unprecedented 10 years development package for tribal districts
Prime Minister Imran Khan has announced a ten-year special development package for tribal districts. Addressing a big public meeting at Jamrud, Khyber district this evening, he said one hundred billion rupees will be spent on the development of tribal areas each year. He said health, education and sports facilities in tribal areas will be enhanced.
-SBP’s Forex Reserves Cross the $10 Billion Mark
The foreign exchange reserves of State Bank of Pakistan (SBP) have crossed the $10 billion mark by March-end. During the week that ended on 29 March 2019, SBP received inflows of RMB 15 billion (equivalent to US$2.2 billion) as proceeds of the loan obtained by the government of Pakistan from China. After taking into account outflows relating to external debt and other official payments, SBP reserves increased by $1.931 billion during the week.
-Benami Properties: FBR takes an unprecedented step
Federal Board of Revenue has established three Benami Zones at Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad for enforcement of Benami Transaction (Prohibition) Act, 2017. In a press release issued today (Thursday), it was said after examination of available information FBR Benami Zones Karachi and Lahore have issued show cause notices in six cases of Companies holding shares and immovable properties as Benamidar.
-Ministry of Finance proposed to amend Foreign Exchange Regulations Act in Pakistan
Ministry of Finance has proposed to amend the Foreign Exchange Regulations Act 1947 to prevent illegal foreign exchange transactions. Under the proposal, the previous act will be updated with an amendment act to empower the State Bank of Pakistan to regulate foreign exchange regime in the country more effectively.
It said proposed amendment has been approved by the Federal Cabinet and transmitted to Parliament for enactment. The measure is a part of government's efforts to enhance the transparency of financial transactions.
-KP government launches 'Pink Bus Service' exclusively for women
Khyber Pakhtunkhwa government launched on Thursday ‘Pink Bus Service’ exclusively for women in Mardan. A spokesman of the project told our Peshawar correspondent that a total of seven Pink Buses will ply in Mardan. There are fifteen bus stops each facilitated with the solar panels.
-Pakistan makes a new offer to Iran, FTA in works
Pakistan has invited Iran for talks on a free trade agreement (FTA). Pakistan has proposed that talks could be held on April 23-24 in Pakistan. The report added that lack of direct banking channel between the two countries is the main hurdle in finalizing the free trade agreement.
-Govt Mulling to Withdraw 10% FED on 1,700cc Vehicles: Abdul Razaq
The government is considering to withdraw its decision of imposing 10% federal excise duty (FED) on cars with engine capacities exceeding 1,700cc. The Senate’s Standing Committee on Industries and Production, on Wednesday, was informed that the 10 percent FED imposed on locally manufactured cars and SUVs, having engine capacity exceeding 1,700cc, would be withdrawn soon.
-Govt to Crackdown Against High Medicine Prices & Launch An Online Price Portal
The federal government has ordered a crackdown against pharmaceutical companies that are illegally increasing medicine prices. Minister for National Health Services (NHS), Aamer Mehmood Kiani, ordered an operation against such firms on Wednesday.
“Though the Drug Regulatory Authority of Pakistan (DRAP) deals with the matter, as a government representative, I consider myself responsible for providing relief to the masses and answerable to them. I am personally looking into the matter and would not tolerate an illegal and unauthorized increase in the prices of medicines,” the minister said.
-Pakistan’s First Environment Friendly Food Festival to Start on 5th April
To discourage single-use plastics and promote sustainable food consumption, WWF-Pakistan is organizing the country’s first environmental-friendly food festival in Karachi. The festival, ReFest, aims to reduce food waste and raise awareness about eating food in a responsible way as well as adopting sustainable practices in our daily lives such as reduced use of single-use plastics. The theme of the festival is to spread awareness about the cause and enjoy the festivals responsibly, as per WWF, festivals were one of the reasons of over-littering due to massive use of single-use plastic in food festivals. The idea is to promote a sense of responsibility among citizens about how we can enjoy and be responsible at the same time.
-Gilgit is Getting a Dedicated Tourism Police Division
Gilgit-Baltistan Inspector General of Police (IGP) Sanaullah Abbasi said that a special tourism force will be formed in the region to ensure the safety of national and foreign tourists. He also told that the GB government will deploy 700 personnel for the protection of the China-Pakistan Economic Corridor route. The special tourism force called, “Tourism Police Division” will be set up on the model of Malaysia and Thailand.
-PM takes part in Hyderabad University’s Groundbreaking Ceremony.
The project is projected to complete within 3 years, with over Rs. 2 billion as the estimated cost. The land for building the university has been marked in Kohsar. A bill will be passed from the National Assembly for the construction of the university. The name of the university has been decided as “Federal Urdu University Hyderabad”.
-Facebook Launches Its Innovation Lab Platform in Pakistan
Facebook and Pakistan’s Ministry of Information Technology along with the National Technology Fund (IGNITE) launched the first Facebook Innovation Lab located in the National Incubation Centre (NIC) at the Lahore University of Management Sciences (LUMS). The launch event, held on Wednesday, April 3, 2019, was attended by several thought leaders from across the world who came together and debated on issues such as women and technology; the impact that VR has on social good and impactful ways to harness technology for social good.
-UN Adopts Pakistan Sponsored Resolution Against Islamophobia
The United Nations General Assembly (UNGA) unanimously adopted a resolution on Tuesday strongly condemning acts of violence and terrorism against religious minorities.mThe resolution, titled ‘Combating terrorism and other acts of violence based on religion or belief’ was moved by Turkey and co-sponsored by Pakistan.
Through this, the UNGA condemned the atrocious terrorist attack targeting Muslims during Friday prayers in two mosques at Christchurch, New Zealand this month, while offering deepest condolences to the victim families.The UN assembly called for the protection and promotion of freedom of religion and belief while developing a domestic environment of religious tolerance, respect, and peace.
-Government announces changes for new budget
With the new budget coming up, the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) government announced on Tuesday its first tax amnesty scheme on hidden domestic and offshore assets – in an attempt to boost the sinking tax revenue.
Besides, the government announced that it would stop the unchecked outflow of dollars through foreign currency accounts, declaring its intention to amend laws to link the outflows for investment with the approval of the authorities. “An asset declaration scheme will be announced before the budget,” Finance Minister Asad Umar told journalists.
-First ever Pakistani international tourism corner opens in Europe
Pakistan has opened its first International Information Tourist Corner in Belgium to offer Europeans Pakistan’s unique culture, stunning scenic view of its northern areas and the traditional lifestyle of mountain people. Launched jointly in collaboration with the Embassy of Pakistan in Brussels and Tribes, a Dutch Company established in Brussels, the tourist corner is the first-ever initiative by the Pakistani mission in Belgium to promote tourism in Pakistan
-Asad Umar hints at withdrawing tax exemptions for elite
Finance Minister Asad Umar on Tuesday hinted at withdrawing tax exemptions being availed by the elite and also announced a drastic reduction in the number of withholding taxes from the next budget including the tax on banking transactions being paid by non-filers of tax returns.
The minister expressed these views at the launching ceremony of a book, ‘Growth and Inequality in Pakistan – Agenda for Reforms’. The book has been written by Dr Hafiz A Pasha whom Umar described as Pakistan’s number one economist. Friedrich Ebert Stiftung – a German institute – has financed the book under the theme of ‘Economy of Tomorrow’. The book discusses almost every important aspect of Pakistan’s economy and carries a detailed chapter on elite capture of the state.
-PM Imran Khan to perform ground breaking of two Naya Pakistan Housing Programme sites
Prime Minister Imran Khan is expected to perform the ground-breaking ceremony of two housing projects in Islamabad and Quetta later this month. Both projects are part of PM Khan’s ambition of Naya Pakistan Housing Program (NPHP) under which he promised to deliver 500,000 low-cost residential units to the underprivileged faction of the society.
-PM Khan announces economic corridor between KP Khyber and Afghanistan
PM Imran Khan has announced formation of economic corridor between KP Khyber and Afghanistan for improving trade and economic activities in the region. PM Khan announced that he has issued directives for the Torkham border with Afghanistan to be kept open 24/7 in order to facilitate business and trade for locals.
-First woman principal appointed at K-P police training centre
A police training centre in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa’s (K-P) Mansehra has appointed a woman principal – a first for the province. Sonia Shamroz, an MBA in human resource management and an 18-grade officer, termed her appointment to the billet as a matter of great pride for her family and herself.
-Pakistan expected to get significant export orders at Istanbul fair
Pakistan Consul General in Istanbul Bilal Khan Pasha has said that the auto industry of Pakistan, especially the manufacturers of auto and tractor parts, tyres and tubes, has the potential to make inroads into the Turkish market.
“Turkish automakers and Pakistani engineering companies are negotiating to form joint ventures; in the next phase small and medium enterprises of the two countries will enter into partnerships,” Pasha said while talking to The Express Tribune on the sidelines of the Automechanica exhibition, which kicked off in Istanbul on Thursday. “This year, Pakistani companies manufacturing auto and tractor parts as well as tyre tubes are expected to get significant export orders at Automechanica, which will help increase non-traditional goods export from Pakistan to Turkey,” the consul general said.
-PM Imran urges lawmakers to share meal with homeless at govt shelters
Prime Minister Imran Khan on Saturday urged lawmakers to visit the homeless at government shelters and “share a meal with the people using them”.
The premier asserted that this practice will sensitise public representatives to issues faced by the bottom tier Pakistani society. “In the coming months I will personally monitor effectiveness of our poverty alleviation jihad,” the prime minister went on to add in a tweet.
I know as a I write this I am in the correct place; when I started this sentence It was precisely 1:11 a.m on Thursday 1/12/2017.
Or ‘11’ ‘11’ 2+2 = ‘4’ and ‘17
Ok universe I get it; ‘mind the repeating patterns we harass you with ten times per day, stay in school and say no to drugs!’
Very big changes are continuing to unfold in my life; specifically when I take the time to do a deep guided meditation once per week. Pandora’s box has pretty much been opened since the ‘I am energy’ break-through meditation at my 'now spiritual leader’s' Jigar Shah’s house under the scornful eye of a giant portrait of Shiva while Jigar placed an orgone energy pyramid in my hand. Every other ‘hour deep meditation’ I do now results in pretty much ‘miracle experiences’ for me. I just never get to write and organize them!
The recent one happened less then an hour ago.
Before I decided ‘holy shit the only thing I can actually accomplish is a deep meditation’. Nothing else sounded ‘fun’. It was completely a bad day for me. I was in a state of depression and confusion as my ‘pain body’ had sent out a crippling flair through the entirety of my physical being. I was stunned… I sulked around my house despite being rested as if I had just escaped a Minotaur attack on my way to the grocery store earlier. But I had not been physically attacked by a mythical creature; it was purely mental. Purely spiritual; purely emotional. This has always been my worse enemy.
But tonight was different.. I had never had the ability to seek meditation and 'miraculously heal myself'. I guess it makes sense... I had to heal myself before attempting to heal anyone else in a life-changing meaningful way as a friend, lover, teacher, or mentor in anything.
I ‘accidentally’ used an hour deep guided meditation to turn the pain body against itself. It actually jolted me into the ‘only thing’ I could do at the time: ‘an unknown hour meditation’
I choose one off youtube from Joe Treacy : ‘Guided Meditation- Clearing Negativity with your Spirit Guide’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruRChvQUVMw
It was 40 minutes, but it took me 20 minutes of preparation with a sage cleanse and some other nonsense to get myself in the perfect state for exploration.
I looked at about 30 other titles before I selected this meditation (I needed completely new, but decided to scroll titles until something 'called to me' or 'felt right'). I’m not sure why I picked it; something about it just ‘sounded fun’ at a time where nothing else in the physical universe FELT or SOUNDED FUN. I found myself unable to even consider going to a local bar 10 minutes away and trying kiss a local girl (well at a minimum). NO NO NO… .a GUIDED MEDITATION WITH A WHITE TIGER ON IT SOUNDED BETTER?
Yes; this is what life has become at this point!
At the time the selection sounded reasonable; looking back I’m not quite sure… I mean it’s a 10 minute drive man?
I wasn’t really expecting anything, but after about 30 minutes IN A DEEP meditative state things exploded into discovery and I felt purely blessed to experience any of it.
In the ultimate twist of fate NIBBLES revealed herself as my spirit guide; the first one I’ve met.
The ‘good omen cat’ that I have been writing about like a lunatic for the past few months in this sub-channel suddenly appeared in the meditation.
I intuitively created a happy place (as Joe instructed); which was myself chilling outside of my new house I was so grateful for in the sunshine. The wild turkey was stupidly pecking at seeds in at the edge of my woods and lawn. I was sitting on the chair on my small, but fantastic patio with my hookah. Nibbles (the wild cat I feed daily) was in some sort of cat-basket on the table. I guess we had become slightly better friends!
But not all was well… Scribbles the evil omen cat lurked near by. Rather then ‘becoming scared’ in the meditation (as Scribbles is an evil spirit guide or force who should have far more power in this realm... the cat was now preparing to inflict chaos upon myself the human) I intuitively rose to the challenge and strategically lured ‘Scribbles’ closer as a game to 'fuck with him' and 'play dumb' (as if I didn't know his plans and treated it like a dream). I even said ‘SCRIBBLES!’ ‘Such a good cat; you must be hungry right!’ (he knows damn well he has stolen Nibbles food and he is almost positive I want Nibbles around and not him).
This was clearly displayed a week ago when both cats were present and I apparently empathically casted Scribbles as I raised my arm with a fierce point into the wilderness. Scribbles responded a split second later as he turned into a full sprint towards the hills; as Nibbles casually froze before walking up to the closed glass door which I stood behind.
The situation in the meditative state remained crystal clear as Scribbles of course tried to come in to fuck with the happy place; as always. As he attempted to cross the invisible border 'between my lawn and the forest' the turkey Immediately CAME DIRECTLY AT SCRIBBLES; and chased him away. Nibbles and I started laughing.
It was perhaps then I 100% knew Nibbles was far more then just a cat.
I then intuitively pieced together in a flash that perhaps Nibbles was here for a reason; he selected to be incarnated as a cat on this planet by free-will to learn when he was previously a conscious being else-where. He purposely selected to NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS HUMAN MIND HERE, but he did select purpose of helping other third-density or 'human' light workers; and he wanted to hopefully become one… He also took joy in the opportunity to actually ‘act as a spirit guide’ for certain humans that seeked her guidance. This was tied to her purpose- offering assistance to lost people like me could eventually help her incarnate as a human in this world during a future life; to even have the ability of conscious thinking mind... So uh … here we were. 'Look at the coward flee!!'
In an instant Nibbles realized fully I had of course ‘knew way to much’. Apparently in the spiritual realm Nibbles if far more then 'just a cat': in an instant her physical form changed into something on two legs with MASSIVE BRIGHT blue eyes standing well over five feet tall. The best way I could describe the newly formed entity was almost some sort of ‘Protoss being’ (from Star-caft the video game… shut up don’t be hating!) Perhaps a Zealot without swords drawn; only female and dressed more fashionably!... She looked like a higher energy of slight good and order; but war-like in another dimension by nature and not to be fucked with. She was not of bad nature; just unbelievable intimidating and more powerful then I could comprehend. I was not frightened in the least (Nibbles suddenly turning into an unidentified female being that could probably take over half the world in a day would be perhaps the 11th worst thing that happened in my life during the past 3 months); but I was prepared for anything (do your worst right?). I still knew at my core the being and I were 'companions' and had each-others best interests in mind... well for the most part...
Eventually paths were laid about before me from our little ‘sanctuary’. It was just us now as we sort of agreed maybe it was best for Nibbles to stay in the form of a cat… so she had turned back into a cat sitting close in front of me, but was STARRING ME DOWN locked with MASSIVE blue eyes 5 times the normal size of a blue-eyed human.
"Nibbles… alright… there is no way I’m picking the path with you staring at me like that or I faked: ‘please nibbles be my friend… I need you as a cat brah!’…
All I knew was I couldn't trust Nibbles in this state; her ego was somehow involved or my ego was threatened. I preferred thinking about things for a moment without being stared down by a 'cracked out' Nibbles.
There is still trust to be developed with Nibbles and it was mutually understood...
it worked… Nibbles turned the other way as a cat sleeping ‘or pretending to be sleeping’ as I could no longer see her face; just the ball of the same sleeping (previously abandoned) Persian wild-cat I feed who sneaks up and meows for no reason. Well other then to tell me about her day and perhaps a little snack of deli-cat!
The first path 'choice' mentioned by Joe was one of ‘Spirituality’. Well I mean obviously; I mean I did kind of choose that to even be in this ridiculous situation.
Stubbornly enough I still did not consider that the ‘proven path’ yet (my ego fully returned!) because the entire point of constructing this ‘present moment’ was to create a relaxing ‘happy place’ where the spirit guide and I could discuss things such as the terror-bird wild turkey that just randomly showed up and chased out scribbles the obviously evil omen cat/influence.
It was amusing that ‘Scribbles’ didn’t even realize I already fully knew he is an evil omen of sorts well before the meditation started; and Nibbles is in fact good. I had already took a side... I 100% figured that out many moons ago. Scribbles must think I have the spiritual awareness of a pineapple. And well he is probably right; but still luckily underestimates me to no end.
Either way the path choices sprawled out in a fury before me.
I intuitively knew I would trust Nibbles far more then sprinting alone into one of the random paths... so I decided to put more trust in the guide as I had trusted her as 'good-hearted' from the first moment I met her in real life (the first night I moved into my new place completely alone looking to rebuild my life; as she stood eerily close to the back window-slider starring. I knew she was just curios in a friendly way; and would be fortunate to ever see her again.)
She wouldn't appear again until two months later a day after I randomly decided to 'buy deli cat' as I was at a grocery store 'just in case that cool persian cat ever returned'. The next day I placed the food out in a bowl and the same cat showed up to eat it in less then an hour. Shortly after I was feeding the cat daily. However, she would normally only eat 'a quarter of the bowl' and 'take a nibble'. So the legend of Nibbles was born. Shortly after, I knew if the bowl was full gone; it was the work of Scribbles 'the other cat' who devoured all in sight. I had not named scribbles, I have to give my friend 'Donald The Deal Man' credit for that one.
During the deep meditative state I had confidence that Nibbles had my best interest in mind so I tried to pet Nibbles and she immediately ran off into one of the paths as I strategically expected and was the best case scenario result (in real life I have never been able to pet her, but she will sneak up a foot from me and meow meow meow). The Persian breeds are social; but this one is abandoned and still correctly frightened of any humans. She doesn’t want to be fully domesticated ever again… she wants to be part wild; and who would blame her?
Still in the deep meditative state I sprinted off into the path that Nibbles had selected …
The path was to represent the one thing I would do new to add ‘life’ and ‘drive’ into my present moment (as Joe Treacy suggested) in life; which I was desperately lacking in a state of loss and confusion with an activated pain body a mere 2 hours before.
AS previously brought up in the same meditation I should ease into Forex trading under the recommendation of my friend I always considered 'unoffical spiritual leader' ‘Jigar Shah' aka 'Killer Instinct'. I considered this before the meditation, but it seemed over-whelming and my plan made no sense. An hour a day actually made sense.
I learned I should go WITH THE FLOW and commit one hour per day of FOREX study as a daily effective habit; not binge it like poker until you burn out and kill every piece of fun out of it. I should not be afraid to take the chance; but ease into it as a daily effective habit and rationally re-evaluate after a month.
I am already an IML member and Jigar is also my up-line. The main reason I joined the company was to ‘be more social’ as I was losing touch with good friends fast… I had become isolated to the point of almost completely losing touch with my main private poker group; a second family to me. My local friends were for the most part gone as a result of my demand for isolation and privacy after a near-death experience.
In addition to improving social areas; I trust the resources available in the company to make side income in addition to poker as well. And who the fuck can out-work the Boo-Train?
Anyways sorry.... meditation right:
The past me would have gone out and attempted to get into all sorts of trouble at a local club night to give into all sorts of distractions to avoid the emotional pain. The new me was not trying to get laid since the last parasitic nightmare of a relationship (rather hiding from that fate); I needed to rebuild in isolation. It was a choice to be isolated; to take the pain and emerge stronger... It hurt like hell, but it was necessary for growth.… this is the time I would grow up. This time I would suffer fully with the mistake of my most recent ‘sexual partner choice’. It was time to grow up and actually 'get the lesson'. There was no going back for the reason of ‘horny as hell’ enough is enough. This was why you ran into her public on a one in a million impossible 'chance' not even a week ago (first time out in months for a friends bday); a clearly ‘meant to happen’ experience; but not meant to hook up again. Enough is enough; there is a time to be sexually reckless and a time to not be; but there is never a time to go back to the past.
All we ever have is the now; the present now.
Be here; be now…
How can one not enjoy the now?
So some-how that one little ‘push’ changed everything. I stopped my overwhelmed anxiety infested human thinking mind just long enough for Nibbles to scratch a shred of direction into me; it stopped the pain body in it's tracks. Clearly you can EASE INTO SOMETHING responsibly as a daily effective habit. Life is not meant to be ‘added stress’.
New situations and challenges are meant to be ‘added experiences to enjoy’ not 'forced hours to produce X amount of dollars for unspecified reasons'
Go with the flow...
And clearly poker is not to be neglected; just win the Borgata main event at the end of the month for +$700,000 and make sure you're logging the volume to at least log $1500 profit no matter what playing 100NL. Set the goal LOW NOT HIGH; live low-key life for a moment; just like the first two years you started out full time.
This creates discipline and an enjoyable experience to learn; rather then stressing the fuck out for no reason like your ego insists that you do by default: which you have been doing in a misery almost as bad as 'your corporate job out of college' for countless years.
You have become your own corporate; that's the truth you could never see. That was never the life you set out for as you fought hard for increased freedom.
You have been going against the 'grain of life' for far too long now; it is uncalled for. It is far from healthy physically or emotionally. Sure you had to play 'catch up a little' to escape the doomed path but enough is enough.
Let life work for you for once. Life is not meant to be 'corporate' and 'rigid' it is meant to be 'natural cycles of effort; some insane; some low volume' and 'flow'
Something I've been struggling with that didn't come up in the meditation was a 'writers block' in relation to the actual writing project I'm supposed to do for my publisher; who is also my friend and pretty much one of the only people who has actually believed in me about anything. So after the meditation I SPRINTED UPSTAIRS to write this... at least I can write something. I'm confident when I'm ready to actually focus and go after the final small creative entry to complete the project it will be that much better; and it will not be against the flow.
May Nibbles triumph as Scribbles eternally 'stalks' in the shadows.
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